When Parenting Anxiety is Dressed up as Kindness, Everyone Loses

It seems like a paradox: in order for children to be safe, they need less autonomy. Not in the way of chores, or homework, or walking to a friend's house alone. Rather, children should not be put in a position to make adult decisions--decisions that give them power over adults. 

One of my favorite analogies for this comes from Dr. Becky Kennedy, a parenting advice expert. If an airline pilot announces that there are mechanical issues and the plane needs to make an emergency landing, the passengers are going to complain. If the pilot reacts by saying "okay, well then I won't land the plane," the passengers are not going to feel safe. They are going to feel terrified. 

This is exactly what happens when parents refuse to make adult decisions and place the onus on their children. One example (and why it's frowned upon in court), is letting a child decide how much time they spend with each parent. This is a scary proposition for a child. How could they possibly choose one parent over the other? Absent abuse or neglect, kids love both of their parents. To have to decide which parent to be with, and when, is an enormous decision that grown adults struggle with, evidenced by the fact that custody decisions are often made after months or even years of litigation. Even then, Judges often have difficulty in determining what parenting time should be, in the best interests of the child at issue. Yet often parents will expect a child to make this decision on their own. 

Another example of placing adult decisions on a child can be something as simple as asking them how they want to spend their day. At first glance, this seems benign and even benevolent. But it takes a dark turn when a parent is willing to sacrifice everything in order to make their child happy. While this seems counterintuitive, our job as parents is not happiness at all costs--it is to raise a healthy and well-adjusted child.

If a parent has work meetings scheduled, they may ask their child what the child wants to do that particular day. The child wants to go to the amusement park. If the parent asks the child "is it okay if I do my work meetings first?" they are placing the child in an impossible and frightening position of having adult power over their parent: the child now has to decide whether to place their own needs and desires over those of their parent. They might understand that their needs should come secondary to a work appointment. At the same time, they have a desire to have a fun day. The child is being asked to either sacrifice their own needs for their parent, or they're asked to place their needs as secondary to their parent. They are in an impossible position.

As an adult I can recognize when my partner is sacrificing too much for me: I can put the brakes on and recognize that despite what I want, it's unhealthy for my partner. Children, on the other hand, are self-centered, which is developmentally appropriate. A child is not in a position to recognize when their parent is acting in a way that is unhealthy for the parent, and it is far too much pressure to expect a child to do so. Parents that treat their child as an equal or a partner are setting themselves and their child up for failure.

The answer in the amusement park scenario is that the parent needs to be the pilot of the plane. The parent needs to be okay with disappointing their child and taking on their child's negative feelings. The parent, instead of asking the child if it's okay to attend their work meeting, needs to tell their child "I have a work meeting and I can't take you to the amusement park today because the timing does not work out." Their child may be angry, sad, or frustrated but most importantly, the child will feel safe.

If you're wondering whether a parent would really sacrifice their job for their child's happiness, the answer is yes--and it becomes especially true where there is a single parent competing against the other parent for their child's love. Some parents believe that they have to bend over backwards and sacrifice everything for their child so that their child will stay. However in doing so, they are making it more likely that their child will feel unsafe and drawn towards whichever parent is willing to make adult decisions and not place them on a child. 

So what is the solution? The solution is recognizing that keeping our kids safe is the number one priority. Their happiness or their wants or desires are secondary to what the adult needs to achieve in life. An adult needs to work a job and make money so that they can support their child and keep their child safe and fed. An adult needs to address household tasks instead of making sure their child has fun every minute of the day. Of course there are extremes on both ends and like everything in life it's a balance. But ultimately a child feels safest when a parent is willing to disappoint them, because disappointment from a parent means that an adult is flying the plane.

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Disclaimer: This information is provided for general informational purposes only, and may not reflect the current law in your jurisdiction. It should not be construed as legal advice nor is it a substitute for legal counsel. You should not act or refrain from acting on the basis of any information provided in this post without seeking appropriate legal or other professional advice from a lawyer licensed in your state, country, or other jurisdiction.

At Simmons Law, LLC, we are Rockford family law attorneys serving Winnebago, Boone, Ogle, Stephenson, and McHenry Counties. Contact us today at (815) 570-9662.